May 24th --- Subject: Listening ...      An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.      The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'      The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.  I just sit around and listen to the conversations.  I've changed my will three times!'
	May 23rd --- Subject: Questioning Mommy      A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.      "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"      "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."      "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"      "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."      Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"      "That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"      The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.      "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.      "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."      Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32.."      The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"      "I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."      The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"      "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."      "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"      "Because you got an F in sex."
	November 23th --- Subject: Country Song:      Voted by men as possibly the greatest Country & Western song ever written.      Audio/Video --- Turn sound Up or Down, as required.  Enjoy!
	November 11th --- Teaching English:      A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.     So he takes the Chief for a walk in the forest.  He points to a tree and says to the Chief, "This is a tree."  The Chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."  The Priest is pleased with the response.     They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."  Hearing this, the Chief looks and grunts, "Rock."     The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.  As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of Natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.  The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."     The Chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.     The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the Chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?     The Chief replied, "My bike."     Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads and be careful when riding someone else's bicycle.
	October 14th --- Baby's first doctor visit: (A Little Naughty)      A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.      The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed?      "Breast-fed," she replied.      "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.      Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."      "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." Montevideo - Uruguay  •  gustavopaladino@hotmail.com
	September 6th --- Three Men on a Hike:      Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man rayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'      Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.      After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'      Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.      Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'      Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
	August 2Oth --- Buttercups (A Little Naughty)     Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.     Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.     All of a sudden.....POOF!!     In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.     She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!     Then POOF!......she was gone!     After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"     Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy-willows."     Dave shouts back,     "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,DON'T SWING!"
	July 29th --- New Supermarket     Our new supermarket just opened.  It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.     When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.     In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.     When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.     The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.     Needless to say, I don't buy toilet items there anymore.
	July 18th --- The Economy - It has to be a joke?     John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.     While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).     He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).     After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.     After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.     At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), Joe decided to relax for a while.     He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA .
	July 17th --- When I say I'm Broke --- I'm BROKE !!!   A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.   'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'   'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' And she proceeded to close the door.   Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed It wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'   And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure From your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'   The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
	July 16th --- Pfizer Announcement   Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.   It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of  'cocktails',  'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned  'stiff drink'.  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount&Do".
	July 15th --- Thought for the day:   There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
	July 10th --- Scoping of the Colon   ... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'   I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.   I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.   The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.   MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.   After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.   At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.   Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.   When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.   'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.   I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.   ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
	July 9th --- Subject: Computer problems   I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.   Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"   He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."   I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."   Richard grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"   "No," I replied.   "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."   So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T. .... I used to like the little kid.
	Initial Entry   Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.   After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.   Bubba gets in line, and when it's his turn the preacher asks. "Bubba, what do you want me to pray about for you?"   Bubba replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."   The preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Bubba's head and prays and prays.   After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks: "Bubba, how is your hearing now?"   Bubba says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday."